The Hidden Cause of Suffering—And How to Overcome It

When life throws challenges our way, it is common to experience some version of the thought: This shouldn't be happening.

This thought can show up in the mind’s party in various forms, such as:

• This isn’t fair.

• Why me?

• Not this again.

• I don’t like this.

• I didn’t ask for this.

• I can’t handle this.

• Why does this always happen to me?

• I don’t deserve this.

At the heart of these thoughts is resistance—a feeling that things should be different from what they are. But what if the real source of suffering isn’t the situation itself, but our belief in these thoughts?

The Mind’s Role in Suffering

Life unfolds as it does, often beyond our control. And while we may not have power over what happens, or even our immediate reactions, we can learn to recognise that we don’t have to believe every thought that arises.

The problem isn’t the thought This shouldn’t be happening itself. It’s when we latch onto it as truth that suffering takes hold. But with a little awareness and understanding, we can step back and see things differently.

As humans, we have an ego, a personality, and preferences. When something happens that we don’t want or expect, it’s natural for our mind to react. But there’s always life happening—and then there’s the mind’s interpretation layered over it.

Questioning Our Assumptions

But how do we know something shouldn’t be happening? How can we be so sure?

When we take a step back and look at the bigger picture—the vast intelligence behind life, the way things unfold beyond our personal perspective—it becomes clear that our viewpoint is just one tiny piece of the puzzle. Seeing this can help us loosen our grip on the belief that life is somehow "wrong" in that moment.

I know this perspective can seem very hard, especially when we are in the midst of something painful. We don’t ever need to rush or push ourselves to see it. The process of life will do that for us.

Feeling Without Resistance

This doesn’t mean we should suppress our emotions. Far from it. When difficult feelings arise, we can meet them with openness rather than resistance. We’re human, after all, and tough moments often bring up strong emotions. But when we recognise that suffering comes from the mental stories we attach to our emotions, we start engaging with life in a different way.

For example, I recently had an issue with my son’s school over an unauthorised absence due to illness. My immediate reaction was frustration and a sense of injustice. I found myself thinking, This isn’t fair! He was sick; they should authorise the absence! As my mind spun, another layer emerged: Do they think I’m a bad parent? Are they judging me?

At first, I was fully caught up in these thoughts. But then I took a step back. On one side was the fact: the school didn’t approve the absence. On the other side was my mind, adding a narrative that made me suffer.

When I let myself feel my emotions without buying into the mental story, I found a more balanced space. From there, I could take action—appealing the decision through the school’s process. Whether they changed it or not, I knew I didn’t need to believe the stories my mind was presenting about it.

Acting From Clarity

This doesn’t mean that we have to passively accept every difficult situation. Taking action is often necessary. However, when we act from a settled place—rather than from resistance—we are more likely to make clear, effective decisions. Without thoughts like this is unfair clouding our minds, we can focus on what can actually be done.

If you are struggling with a challenge, allow yourself to recognise the thought this shouldn't be happening. Just notice it, without immediately believing it. From a clearer headspace, you’ll have a better sense of whether action is needed. If so, take it. If not, let yourself feel your emotions and trust life’s process.

The Real Resistance: Avoiding Emotions

Often, what we’re really resisting isn’t the event itself, but the emotions it brings up. In my case, my discomfort wasn’t just about the school’s decision—it was about my fear of being judged as a parent. My ego wanted to defend itself against that discomfort.

If we allow ourselves to fully feel these emotions without labelling them as wrong or unbearable, they pass through us more naturally. They aren’t absolute truths; they’re just experiences moving through. Even in the face of immense grief—such as losing a loved one—there is a difference between feeling sadness and resisting reality. Grief itself is a natural process, but suffering arises when we believe thoughts like this shouldn’t have happened.

Nothing stays the same—not even deep grief. Over time, suffering shifts and changes, especially when we loosen our grip on the thought that reality should be different.

Conclusion

Life has a deeper intelligence beyond what our minds can grasp. When we face challenges, we can acknowledge our thoughts and emotions without immediately believing them. We can ask ourselves:

• Is there an action I need to take?

• If not, can I simply allow myself to feel this?

By trusting the intelligence of life and allowing emotions to flow, we reduce suffering and open ourselves to deeper clarity and understanding. Life will always bring challenges, but we have the power to explore whether we believe and hold onto the thoughts that create suffering. Our thoughts are like passengers on a train. Some come and go quickly, others linger, and some return again and again. But we don’t have to follow every passenger. We can simply watch them pass by, knowing they don’t define us or our experience. When we do this, even life’s tough moments can feel a little lighter.

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